These past 4 years have made me who I am today.

My freshman year was quite grand,

as I began to understand the lay of the land.

I went too far with a boy;

yet tried to seem rather coy.

My heart was broken in two.

but prince charming swept in on cue.

I thought I had found ‘the one’,

but soon found I just wanted some fun.

Sophomore year came and went,

realizing just how much my friends meant.

Pool parties, cheerleading and tennis-

and, oh! Those boys, they became a menice.

I became more aware of those I’d hurt,

giving my heart a little growth spurt.

In a relationship once again-

by the time the sun warmed my skin.

I saw “forever” with him its true;

especially when my life went askew.

Lies, stress, and failures were there,

marking the start of a constant scare.

I desired to be wanted;

            To be loved,

            To be accepted.

Instead, I let my dignity be flaunted.

Feeling empty and broken again,

I turned to the world with a fake grin.

My heart was set on an idol-

focused on my relationship title.

I soon gained strength to stand,

knowing that God’s love for me is more than the sand.

God became my One True Love-

recognizing his grip on me like a glove.

Boys started to come and go-

at times pausing my opportunity to grow.

I am strong enough to be alone,

melting a heart of stone.

Senior year brought a bittersweet ride;

while definitely knocking down my pride.

My friends remained true,

And those heartbreaks? There were a few.

My wings have sprouted up-

with the idea of independence filling my cup.

I long to learn more about what’s outside,

and I know that God will be along for the ride.

Under the Microscope.

My life is lived under the microscope,
watched, critiqued, condemned.
I want to be seen apart from my mistakes and failures.

Why does it seem like others can make mistakes, but not I?
Is it okay for me to fail?
Is it okay for me not to be perfect?

Given the chance, insecurity creeps in,
anxiety holds me back,
fear tells me no.

I reach into the hopelessness of the past,
making that the present.
My future is hidden by despair.

My mistakes are noticed, recorded, perceived.
I cannot break away from them.
I want to grow, to learn, to be liberated.

I want to be me.

Not Driven By ANXIETY.

Anxiety. What a word, what a concept.
To say that I struggle with anxiety is an understatement. I worry every moment of everyday, from what I will do next, what will happen, what someone thinks of me, and before I know it, the cycle repeats. I hate this. But how does it stop? I know that anxiety is something that is in my genetics; my family members also struggle with it. But to the point of where I let it drive my life and interfere with the woman of God that I am created to be is where the strength of the Holy Spirit takes away these thoughts.

Anxiety. It has become a lifestyle, a mindset, an idol, an escape. I doubt myself and say that I will never be "good" enough because I struggle with this internal emotional battle. My anxious thoughts fill my mind, moving me to crazy extremes and causing me to make emotional and impulsive decisions. I blame lots on insecurity. I blame insecurity, failure, rejection, attention on a condition that Jesus calls me to leave at the foot of His cross.

My anxiety and my emotions will not become my decision-maker. My emotions will not be an idol. I serve Jesus Christ wholeheartedly, not some fleeting state of mind that makes me feel less and less human daily.

"Grow strong in your weakness...My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness," -Jesus Calling.

God is Louder.... Than the Pressure to be Perfect.

I recently received my latest monthly issue of Seventeen magazine, a visual book filled with advice, suggestions, and real-life stories. In past issues, the real-life stories and advice has been very trivial or not applicable to me, but however, this month was different. Demi Lovato was on the cover. Not only is she a beautiful inspiration to teenage girls, she is also transparent with her issues and where it brought her to. Her transparency inspired me to be open and secure in my brokenness. Looking at our culture, brokenness and struggle is frowned upon, which is why it was such a shocker when Demi came out to tell the world that she struggles with eating disorders and depression. She has created a campaign called "Love is Louder Than the Pressure to be Perfect". She inspires girls around the country to understand the depth of their uniqueness and the depth of how much they are loved.

This campaign really goes deep with me because I daily struggle with the pressure to be perfect; the thoughts that I am not enough; the mindset that I need to be something else to be loved. Not only is LOVE louder than the pressure to be perfect, but GOD is louder than the pressure to be perfect. His love, His grace, His strength and His hand upon our lives speaks louder to me than anything that this world could offer me or the lies screaming at my head that I am not good enough.

Every where I, its as if the lies scream louder and louder at me. I walk along the magazine racks at the grocery store and see the "10 tips to get the best bikini body" and "how to get flawless skin" and suddenly, I am left feeling empty. Worthless. Inadequate. I've had to train my mind to believe and to know that I am perfect in my Savior's eyes; something that a magazine, boy, or friend could not offer to tell me. Comparing myself to my gorgeous and intelligent best friends, my stunning, life loving older sister, and the never-ending photo uploads on Facebook, I begin to wander in the ways that I am not perfect and desire to be accepted just as these wonderful girls are too.

It seems to me that the world accepts one type of girl: the Barbie doll. You know what I am talking about; the perfect hair, white teeth, stunning figure, flawless skin, and inviting personality. Although these characteristics may seem important, I am beginning to see something that is significantly and eternally more important: the acceptance and love that Jesus has for me. This love is not dependant on what I do, what I wear, who I date, and my friends... It is focused on how He made me unique, He knows me better than I know myself, He sees my heart, He loves me unconditionally.
I sincerely hope that you understand the desire that God has for you to come to Him and humble yourselves at the foot of the cross to gain insight into the unique, wonderful and beautiful woman that He created you to be.

God's acceptance and love is LOUDER than the pressure to be PERFECT.

The Love Languages of Christ

When I was in junior high, I always used to hear my parents talking about the concept of "love languages", a term created by Dr. Gary Chapman. Being the dramatic, boy crazy and attention stealing teenage girl I once used to be, the concept of Love Languages always excited me. I daydreamed about the various ways in which my "perfect" guy would sweep me off my feet, whisper sweet words, and romance me to make me feel loved, worthy and secure. I soon began researching the various five forms of love languages and began to match them up with what I believed I was most drawn to. In order, I began to identify to which I followed the most.

1. Physical Touch
2. Quality Time
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Acts of Service
5. Gifts

This idea of love languages caused me to project my self into a world of "hopeless romantic syndrome". I was in love with being in love. I soon began to find myself in empty relationships where I changed myself into whomever that boy wanted me to be for them. I would get hurt, stumble, and yet always seemed to be in the continuous cycle of desiring relationships to fill an empty spot in my life.

By the time I reached my freshman year of high school, my heart had been given away one too many times, my dignity was shaken, and my identity was tossed around into several guys who I don't even speak to anymore. I desired change; I desired fulfillment. I recognized that the love languages that I believed I was drawn to led me to a belief that only a guy could fill that void to make me feel adored and loved. I thought that the only way that these love languages would be spoken is through a boy. However, I have understood that these love languages that I feel can be filled by my Heavenly Father: the one who loves me, cherishes me, accepts me, desires me, knows me, and... ROMANCES me.

Physical Touch: For so long I thought that there was no way that I could be fulfilled in this sense if it wasn't from a guy holding my hand, hugging me when I'm scared, or cuddling on the couch watching a movie. Boy, was I wrong. Jesus Christ romances my desire for physical touch in a way that never leaves me empty, lonely, or guilty. His embrace is always open. I am safe in His arms. This security alone is something I will never find in an earthly relationship. "We proclaim to you the one who existed from the beginning, whom we have heard and seen. We saw him with our own eyes and touched him with our own hands. He is the Word of life." (1 John 1:1)

Quality Time: This love language speaks for itself; I crave conversation, someone who will listen, understand me, and time in which I feel respected. Growing up I had always heard "read your bible every day" and it is so true. God wants me to converse with him; He desires to know my struggles, my fears, my insecurities. He wants  me to talk to Him with integrity like I can do with my closest friend. Because, God will never leave me NOR forsake me. That is a promise that no guy can fulfill. "If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me." (Jeremiah 29:13)

Words of Affirmation: This language is very accessible and given to me in the Bible. However, I have found that the wordless affirmation is sometimes greater to me. Whether its the sunset on the beach, the birds chirping in the morning, or the gorgeous scenery around me, I feel affirmed and romanced by God. He calms me down, cheers me up, and even whispers sweet things in my ear like I had dreamed about since I was a little girl. "Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord,for our hope is in you alone." (Psalm 33:22)

In Christ, I am:
Secure. Worthy. Protected. Safe. Important. Loved. Understood. Accepted. Free. Cherished. Hopeful. Treasured. Romanced. Redeemed.

Insecurity, Part 1.

After reading So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore and listening to her messages, A Beautiful Mind, I have been transformed, restored, and refreshed with hope. No, my insecurities have not gone away, but I have recognized a way to overcome the bondage that I thought I would never get away from. The way to overcome insecurity is only through Jesus Christ.

Our culture is a great contributor to the source of insecurity, but we must not blame it for steering us in this wavering log that we so frequently walk on. So many times, I felt like if I hid my insecurity and anxiety, it would go away and I wouldn't ever have to deal with it. WRONG. "Just because pride fills a heart, it doesn't keep it from breaking.. just from healing.." (101). I thought that the only way that I was secure was whether or not I was accepted, affirmed, and had consistency in relationships. Whether or not we get noticed makes us more and more insecure. "We are desperate for significance..."(102). Whether its in a family, friendship or romantic relationship, we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, no matter what it takes. Throwing around a delicate, vulnerable heart into situations and relationships causes us to be even deeper into the cycle. However, Jesus Christ offers His never ending acceptance and affirmation. "He not only notices us, He never takes His eyes off of us."

This isn't always easy for me to do. Just as many girls, I am a hopeless romantic. I can honestly say I am in love with being in love. However, recently I have found that seeking acceptance and affirmation in a guy has only led me to continuous and chronic insecurity. "...Instead of looking for ourselves in God, we look once more for God in a man, and just when we think we've found someone who can hold us high enough and long enough to assuage our fear of forgottenness, we get dropped..." (104). No one is perfect; we all fail and fall short. So, why do we constantly look towards others to make us secure and complete?

DIGNITY. The one word that we should cling to as we seek healing. "Insecurity is about losing our God-given dignity... We are given dignity because God himself has it...to possess dignity is to be worthy of respect." (148-159)

Comfort.

I was asked this weekend if I was able to see God as my comfort. Quickly, I replied yes, reflecting on the difficult year that I just ended. God was my comfort in my depression, in my insecurity, in my anxiety and in my rejection. Most importantly, the hope of Jesus and His love for me became my comfort to overcome these daily struggles.

"Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is"

In the midst of our trials and situations, we must rely on the hope of Jesus as our comfort. Without Him we do feel alone and hopeless. There were days I didn't think that there was hope, but Jesus was always there, reminding me that He was holding my heart in His hands at all times. How comforting is that?!

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."
 Romans 15:13